<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?><rss version="2.0"><channel><title><![CDATA[Funny Junk Joke of the Day RSS section]]></title><description><![CDATA[Articles]]></description><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/</link><copyright><![CDATA[Copyright Funny Junk Joke of the Day RSS section]]></copyright><generator>sNews CMS</generator><item><title><![CDATA[women]]></title><description><![CDATA[ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO 
DISCOVERER: ADAM 
ATOMIC MASS:
Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.
OCCURRENCE:
Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. 

Common Uses: 

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. 

Tests: 

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards: 

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
maintained at different locations as long as specimens don't come
into contact with each other.
]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 26 Apr 2008 18:53:30 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-women/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-women/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[twice a day]]></title><description><![CDATA[This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help 
me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I 
have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a 
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but
thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," 
says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor.
"You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. 
"Twice a day." 
]]></description><pubDate>Sat, 26 Apr 2008 18:52:09 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-twice-a-day/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-twice-a-day/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[liz taylor]]></title><description><![CDATA[   Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
   my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the
   surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is
   only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and
   don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my
   vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
   
   The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
   operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
   
   "But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
   about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
   
   "I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
   
   The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
   book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
   consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at
   the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her,
   Liz bursts into tears.
   
   "How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear
   of this operation!!! "
   
   "Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
   I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years,
   I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from
   the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I
   thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
   operation."
   
   Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger
   ,"And who sent those?"
   
   "Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns
   unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 23 Apr 2008 01:26:39 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-liz-taylor/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-liz-taylor/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[tennis]]></title><description><![CDATA[A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is 
using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he 
finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the 
line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the 
racquet out of your mouth." 
]]></description><pubDate>Wed, 23 Apr 2008 01:24:17 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-tennis/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-tennis/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[to the doctor]]></title><description><![CDATA[This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going ?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater
and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm  going to get a tetanus shot."
]]></description><pubDate>Sun, 20 Apr 2008 01:54:25 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-to-the-doctor/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-to-the-doctor/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[Grandpa]]></title><description><![CDATA[A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While
fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have
changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking
about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems
with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
]]></description><pubDate>Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:10:10 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-grandpa/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-grandpa/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[Pair Of Nikes ]]></title><description><![CDATA[Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. 

One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. 

With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" 

"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:59:38 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/jokes/joke-pair-of-nikes/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/jokes/joke-pair-of-nikes/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[Personal Secretary]]></title><description><![CDATA[A guy walked into his friend's office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. 

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asked. 

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." 

"Well, nothing wrong in that," he said, "Is she blonde or brunette?" 

"Neither. He's bald."]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:57:57 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-personal-secretary/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-personal-secretary/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[execution]]></title><description><![CDATA[The huge black dude was getting ready for the electric chair -
he had been found guilty of rape and murder.  The witnesses to
the execution were astonished when the prisoner's pant leg was
cut and a tiny electrode was prepared to be placed on his penis.
"Hey don't look so surprised" the condemned man said.
"Yours would shrink and shrivel up too it you were about to be zapped!"]]></description><pubDate>Fri, 11 Apr 2008 13:09:51 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-execution/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/joke-of-the-day/joke-execution/</guid></item><item><title><![CDATA[the towel]]></title><description><![CDATA[An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in 
love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never 
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they 
decide to ask the rabbi. 
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the 
following suggestion.
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have 
the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and 
should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man 
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and 
she is still unsatisfied.  Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make 
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed 
with the wife and the husband waves the towel.  The young man gets to work 
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking 
screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,  
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
]]></description><pubDate>Thu, 10 Apr 2008 22:02:27 +0000</pubDate><link>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/jokes/joke-the-towel/</link><guid>http://www.tjoogle.com/snews/jokes/joke-the-towel/</guid></item></channel></rss>